Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
