I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Girls should come with a carfax report
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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