If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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