i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
