my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm at about main and main street
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
