Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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