All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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