You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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