oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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