I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
