How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
