i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
