We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
