I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
