Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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