well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
