people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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