I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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