the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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