Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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