I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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