please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
