I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
