Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
