Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
