Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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