Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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