i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
