By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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