I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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