Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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