I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
