life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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