so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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