I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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