Tell her she can't have a vagina
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
