I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
