It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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