I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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