Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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