she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
