so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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