I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
