Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
