Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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