Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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