a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
