Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
