i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
