You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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