hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
