We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
