TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
