when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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