Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
