btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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