You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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