Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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